Polka Dots It Will Be

This afternoon I spoke with one of my elderly members who had surgery today to amputate part of her leg. She's suffered for months with pain and has been in and out of the hospital with circulation problems. Now with the source of the problem removed, her health should improve.

She looked at me as I seated myself beside her bed and said, "Stephen, I've made a critical decision."

"Yes ma'am," I replied, using the manners my momma taught me, and wondering what other critical decision she'd had to make after deciding to have the surgery. "What have you decided?"

"I've decided I want polka-dots on my peg-leg."

Then polka-dots it will be!

An Interesting Thing Happened on the Way to Communion

This past Sunday we celebrated Holy Communion at Trinity. It is usually the first Sunday of the month, but since I was away then, it was moved to Mother's Day. However, Sunday morning I was sick. Didn't know exactly what had hit me, but it felt like a flu or something. I went on to church and at the early service asked my Dir Christian Education, Johannah, to assist with communion. I told her I would do the eucharistic prayer, but that she would handle the elements, and would then help distribute them with the other servers.

When it came time in the service for Communion, we both went to the Table. She stood behind it where I usually do, and I stood to the side. Right as we started and I motioned for her to unwrap the bread and fill the chalice, a clap of thunder resonated over the sanctuary. Needless to say, it had been raining here all morning, but that was the one and only instance of thunder we heard.

Johannah looked at me and asked, "I'm not going to get struck with lightening, am I?" I took a step away from her and said, "I don't think so."

Anyway, the service finished without incident, and at the second service I had our retired minister celebrate the communion. But what timing...

"Gotta Go" Ministry?

Came across a church that has developed a new way to get people to stop and see their church while meeting a basic human need everyone has. Talk about "need-oriented evangelism." And it really changes the job descriptions for the greeter ministy!

Warning Signs of PETS

Many pastors this week are in danger of full-blown PETS - Post-Easter Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Be alert for the most common warning signs:

1. Delusions of glori-us's. Takes many forms, including a mistaken belief that the holiday Christians came to hear your sermon, or that the hightened energy on Easter is a sign of spiritual renewal in the church, or that no one minded the service going a little long with the extra music.
2. Halpewcinations. Imagining more people in the pews than were actually there on Easter day, especially when talking about the service at the pastors' coffee hour.
3. Ifinitus. (pronounced "if-n-i-tus") A persistent itching to tell the church members that every Sunday could be like Easter, if only....
4. Teary-eyed and wheezing. Basically over-exposure to pollen from left-over lilies.
5. Couldarash. Persistent skin-deep welts indicating systemic second-guessing, i.e, wanting to go back and tweak the service and message, to initiate a few more contacts, advertise better, and otherwise improve on a great day.
6. Homiletic fatigue. You gave it your best in your Easter sermon, but now all you can think about is that you have to come up with another one, at least as good or better.
7. Epression. General malaise and apathy resulting from an immersion in the tasks of Easter and missing its meaning.

If two of the indicators are present, the pastor should immediately take an extra day off. Three to four symptoms may require peer intervention. With five or more indicators, do not call 911. Make a reservation with the nearest moving van company.

Join the new League

This is the kind of competition I could get into. And it's time for spring training. Only plain M&M's allowed, or testing will commence for performance enhancing peanuts.

Laugh Lines: Survival of the Fittest M&M
By Laugh Lines Published: February 28, 2008

A post from a “Best of Craigslist” compilation:
Whenever I get a package of plain M&M’s, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round [...]
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